Am. Gov't - FEMA lateness shocker

FYI

> October 12, 2005
> FEMA TOO LATE TO SAVE NICK AND JESSICA'S MARRIAGE
>
> Agency 'Caught Unawares' By Marital Meltdown
>
> In the latest setback for a troubled government agency, the Federal
> Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) acknowledged today that it had been too
> late to save the marriage of singers Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
>
> At a press conference in Washington, D.C., a red-faced R. David Paulison,
> the interim chief of FEMA, admitted that the agency had been "caught
> unawares" by the celebrities' marital woes.
>
> "I thought everything was fine with them," Mr. Paulison told reporters.
> "The first I got wind that they were having troubles was late Tuesday
> morning."
>
> Once the FEMA chief learned that Ms. Simpson and Mr. Lachey were on the
> rocks, it took the agency a full twenty-four hours to dispatch an
> emergency marriage counselor to their home in Los Angeles, but by then it
> was too little, too late, FEMA's critics charge.
>
> Those same critics allege that amid the turmoil in the agency in recent
> weeks, someone had allowed FEMA's subscription to Us Weekly to lapse.
>
> At the White House, President Bush expressed surprise that the marriage
> between the stars of MTV's "Newlyweds" was coming to an end: "Who could
> have guessed that Nick and Jessica's wedding vows would be breached?"
>
> For his part, FEMA's Paulison said that the agency had learned its lesson
> "the hard way" from the Nick and Jessica breakup and would be better
> prepared the next time: "We are going to be monitoring Ashton and Demi
> very, very closely."
>
>
> To unsubscribe to this e-mail list please paste the following URL:
> http://www.borowitzreport.com/contact.asp?email=pete@mcroberts.com into
> your browser address bar or forward this message to
> "remove@borowitzreport.com".
>
> www.Borowitzreport.com
> Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend:
> http://www.borowitzreport.com/email_form.asp?email=pete@mcroberts.com&rec=1236
>
> SUBSCRIBE TODAY! Free Email Updates, click the link below or paste it
> into your browser.
> http://www.borowitzreport.com/subscribe.asp
>
> ***ANDY AT UNIVERSITY OF IOWA - OCT. 17-18***
> Catch Andy's historic first-ever Iowa performances at the University of
> Iowa in Iowa City as part of the New Yorker College Tour!
> Monday October 17: Andy appears with the cast of Second City at Englert
> Theatre, 221 E. Washington Street, 9 PM
> Tuesday October 18: Andy performs an hour of standup at Lunchtime at Java
> House
> 221 ½ E. Washington Street, 12 noon
>
> ***ANDY IN NYC - OCT 26***
> Andy hosts the Eureka Non-Partisan Comedy Show on Wednesday, October 26
> featuring comedy superstars Tom Shillue, Aziz Ansari, David Rees and much,
> much more! At the Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex (bet, Rivington and Stanton);
> 8:30 PM.